At the end of a very long and emotionally hard day I feel the need and desire to write a message to whoever is still reading my ramblings. Some of the events of today admittedly set me (depression wise) back severely, but after having a few people talk to me I've realised for every horrible thing that happens there is someone or some people who are waiting to counter-act that. Recently I have been having to put my brave-face-on act a lot and it has been wearing me out, but then I realised I shouldn't feel scared or anxious to say how I am feeling. People expect so much from those around them and some seem to forget to even bother make an effort anymore. I am lucky to have met some truly wonderful people at my place of work who always seem to be able to cheer me up. They tell me I am beautiful despite my hair being scraped back and in the most hideous of uniforms. They hug me when I am struggling. And, perhaps more importantly, they make me realise my worth. I am not worthless and I need to make sure that I do not feel or am made to feel that way. Like I have said in previous posts there will always be someone else to take the place of a negative influence on you. Sometimes you just need to be brave enough to let it go. I have realised some hard truths today. However, I am not going to sleep crying. This is because of the people I am lucky enough to work with. They have absolutely no idea how much they help me just by being interested in what I have to say and the sole fact that they listen and (at least act as though they) care. When they see that I am struggling or need a hug, they drop everything and talk to me one-on-one. This kind of attention is rare, but being shown that people I have known for no more than two months are willing to do it has shown me a lot. I repeat, I am not worthless. I don't need anyone who doesn't make me realise this simple fact every day, and neither do you. You are not worthless.
So it is another day off, but I am too tired to do anything. Well, and sore as well. Yesterday I had a split shift which meant I was able to go to the beach for a few hours before having to return to work. I trusted (stupidly) my sister with applying my sun cream to my back which turned out to be a massive error. My back is burnt, but nothing compares to the burn on my butt - genuinely painful to sit down. What I am hoping is that it will all suddenly turn into a beautiful tan, I'll keep you posted. Despite getting burnt, I loved going to the beach and just relaxing to the point where I could have slept for hours if it wasn't for work.
Today is another beautiful day and this morning I went for a short walk up and down main street with an iced coffee break in the middle. Cannot tell you how addicted I am getting to iced coffee - one of my many weaknesses in life. This summer has taught me many things, but mainly the fact that I need to believe in myself a little bit more. Not only this, but I need to realise that I look at myself in a distorted manner, constantly thinking that I am not good enough for anyone. The people I work with have given me back some of the confidence that I had lost and I am so very grateful for that. I have come to realise that I have so many amazing people in my life, why focus my attention on a person who is not treating me fairly? For some people, I am sure, I may be one of the amazing people in their lives. For this reason they will be grateful for me, the same way that I am grateful for all the uplifting people in my life.
Having said all of this, I admit that my depressive wobbles have become slightly more frequent recently and for no apparent reason. However, I am choosing not to focus on this but to focus on the many times when I feel amazing. I making less effort with the people who seem to have a negative effect on me, and I really do not regret this. My life is very beautiful.
Recently learnt having your guard up isn't actually the worst thing ever. Letting your guard down is a hard thing to do and can sometimes come back to hurt you. Obviously with some people you can definitely let your guard down and not worry about it, but I would recommend making sure that you can trust the person 100000000%. It can definitely come back and bite you so watch out, because it hurts a lot more than I can even explain. It is hard to forgive straight away, definitely not worth forgetting.
Had an odd sort of day.. Weather hasn't been great and it has been my day off. I had a really good morning and early afternoon with my family but as soon as I got home my mood began to plummet (fast) and I'm not altogether sure why. I struggle to be open and frank about my feelings and it takes so much of my energy to act happy and energetic all the time. My medication hinders my ability to sleep at night, so I think that I am well and truly exhausted. I am continuously told to not bottle things up and just let things out, that is genuinely really hard for me. I think it might be because a majority of the people I am close with tend to not share things with me. I worry it is because they don't want me to worry on their issues, but I like being able to talk openly knowing I'm there to listen to them as much as they listen to me. I am now trying to distract myself but I can already feel that I will not be sleeping tonight as I gave a lot on my mind at the moment.
I want to end on a positive. I had a lot if fun with my brother and sister today - they cheer me up and have the ability to take my mind off of all the negative thoughts that are swamping me at the moment. Back in work tomorrow from 1-9pm working a clam bake, so I am going to attempt to sleep for as long as possible. Wish me luck.
It is the end of my working week and tomorrow I have a day off. For this reason I am going to relax as much as possible, starting now. I am currently laying on my bed, listening to my favourite relaxing music and I am planning my evening. I intend on having an extraordinarily long bath using some of my favourite Lush product - I am such a massive Lushie, I cannot tell you how good it is. I used to have really bad skin and I tried so many different types of medication but nothing really worked. That was until I began working at Lush and actually began to look after my skin. I now remove my make up with one of their cleansers and toners and you can genuinely feel the difference. There are so many chemicals and other bad things in make up wipes, and I never felt it successfully took the entirety of my make up off. you can definitely see the difference in my skin and even though I no longer work at Lush, I will not be giving up my regime any time soon.
Anyway, I digressed. After my long soak in the bath I am going to lather myself in an excessive amount of moisturiser and then paint my nails and toenails. Or maybe I should do my nails before moisturising....decisions. We will see. In all likelihood I will be going to be a lot earlier than most - I am a lover of sleep and have a lot to make up on.
Man alive this music is amazing and has completely relaxed me. A w
Overall, today has been good. However, things have begun to rapidly go down hill and I am not altogether sure why. Things just feel like they have got on top of me again. Do you ever have it where you think you have something all planned out and then all of a sudden you realise you need to rethink what you originally felt was full proof. I know I am being incredibly vague, but I genuinely don't know how else to explain it. As I assume you have learnt from my previous posts, and also just from the fact that I write a blog, I know how I feel about things and I am not afraid of showing my feelings like I used to be. Being proud of something or someone is amazing, and I don't know why more people don't share it. My head is just not making sense of my thoughts, really don't know what to
I have found something new to try, and today I am going to go and purchase my very first SMASH book. It is kind of like scrapbooking, but it is way more relaxed and no where near as precise. I think it will be a perfect way of documenting a few things that I love now and what I am doing now so that when I'm older I can relive the memories. I cannot tell you how excited I am to finally get to try it out, I have been looking up layouts that I really like, but I will probably take a little while for it to start looking good. For me, with depression, I like having things to distract my mind and I happen to be a pretty crafty person - always loved making things and I even have my own Etsy shop set up. So I am going to play some music and get started - to me that sounds perfect. Obviously not everyone enjoys crafting, my younger sister being a prime example, but find something you really enjoy doing - doodling, writing, listening to music, watching skiing videos, etc - and just do it. It has helped me to keep my mind off negative things and focused on the task at hand, something that is so refreshing for anyone who gets a bit down in the dumps. If you are crafty, then I recommend looking up SMASH books, they look amazing and there are loads of really helpful videos on YouTube to trawl through. I'll let you know how I progress.
Don't worry, this isn't going to be a depressed post. I need help finding some new clothes as I am craving a new wardrobe. Want a wardrobe to flatter my figure as I do not believe that this is happening at the moment and I just feel like a lump in clothes. I am attempting to list out a few 'essentials' but I am even failing at that. Any help would be much appreciated.
As I mentioned in my previous post, today was my day off and, behold, the weather was beautiful!! I finally got my chance to go the beach after scoffing an unhealthy amount of pancakes for breakfast - I regret nothing. The beach was just perfect. So sunny and I managed to read my book as well as swim. I am an absolute lover of the sea - it is my favourite thing about going on holiday, although (I will admit) I hate seaweed. It is just too slimy and it makes me panic. But today we went to a state park and swam in a fresh water pond which was amazing as always. Weird thing happened - I got insane beach hair that I normally only get after salt water swimming, but today it was something special. Very strange indeed.
Just got back from the Cape League baseball match where the home team were losing somewhat dramatically. Regardless of that, it is always such a fun experience, totally different from anything we have in England. The only issue with going to the baseball is we are not 100% sure on all of the rules so we sometimes have to guess what is going on. Having said that I feel as if I almost know all of them. Apart from the fact that I love the game of baseball, but I also love what the players wear - it is just how I always imagined it and it makes me so very happy. Today has been beautiful in every sense of the word. I am already planning my next day off, which I intend to start very early. I am going to make myself get up and go to yoga on the beach in the town that I am living - I think that would be the perfect way to start my day. Very relaxing indeed.
Tomorrow, I have a full day of work but the weather is not meant to be good - so I am not as excited as I usually am for work. Although the activities we have planned should be a lot of fun. Having this job is definitely keeping me busy and helping me stay focused on the positives that surround me. Whenever we pass any guest we have to make an effort to talk to them and I cannot explain how much this helps me. I am now (on the whole) so much more smiley than usual and when I get home I cannot stop talking to my family, and they have definitely picked up on this. So, as you can see, I only have positives to comment on about my summer job. I am very excited for what else is going to happening in the remainder of my summer.
Let me know what you are all up to this summer, or what you do to relax!
Working outdoors all day every day is so tiring and I never realised this before my summer job here in America. I cannot tell you how tired I am and have been, hence the lack of blog entries. I apologise. Having just got home from long shift I can happily inform you that I have my day off tomorrow!! Finally will be able to hit the beach and just sit and do absolutely nothing other than finally have some time to read the books that I have been neglecting as of late.
High excitement to report from me. A few days ago I went to the mall and as I am working gal, it is fair to say I splashed out a little bit. However, I can justify everything I bought, I even bought a t-shirt for someone else, so I{ wasn't totally selfish!! I found perhaps the cutest make up brushes in Forever 21 and I couldn't resist. Imagine my excitement when I realised that they were also selling a matching hand mirror!! It would have been rude not to of bought that as well really. I then found a make up bag with a little Boston bull terrier on a background of my favourite colour, I couldn't resist! Then came to filling this make up bag and this is where things got slightly out of hand, I just love make up, especially if the packaging is pretty. (And yes, I am aware that I sound like an idiot right now, but I am so happy with my purchases) I won't go into detail about the specific items I bought, but they were all from Bare Minerals, and they are all AMAZING. Then came the clothes, and I really wasn't that bad.. Only bought three things for myself and they were all on sale. And that was all!! So I am completely fine right? Didn't go too over the top, it could have been a lot worse.
In case you couldn't tell, I am using this post to justify to myself that the amount that I spent was completely fine and not a big deal. It has almost worked!! I will begin to write more posts again I promise. Thank you for continuously reading my babbling.