After a busy week of freshers, I have found some time to sum up my thoughts and feelings on being at uni for the second time. Similarly to before, my confidence is very low and it is this that really makes it hard for me to talk to people and think that they actually want to hang out with me. Another thing I have realised is that a lot of people put on a front, an act in order to protect themselves. I have realised that even I have been doing this. I am so desperate to make this time work and I do not want to feel alone like I did last time. In my halls this year there are a lot of really friendly and non-judgemental people, all of which I am extremely grateful for. However, I have met quite a number of people who feel as I did last year at uni, as if they don't fit in or belong at uni. This really upsets me because I know exactly how they feel and I really want to help them but I struggle with this due to the way I am at the moment. As I was decorating my room with all of my pictures I really did feel sad as I could see the differences in me from now to when the pictures were taken. That is always very hard for me to admit to, but it has given me something to really aim towards. I want to get back to how I was a couple of years ago and it will happen soon. Uni can be hugely isolating, especially in the beginning. What I have noticed is that there are so many people who all seem to know each other. This may be good to begin with, but it almost encourages you to not make the effort to branch out
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It is the time of year that university begins again, and I go back this weekend. I know that it is only natural to be nervous but I am beyond scared to be honest. Not really about my experience, about other peoples and wondering how many people will be in the same position that I was in last time. Obviously, I am scared that it will all happen again but I am determined to make it work this time. So my boyfriend left for uni today and he already seems settled! So happy for him and I can only hope it is like that for me when I arrive on Saturday. I am very excited for freshers to begin again, so many really fun things happening in a short space of time and I am probably far too excited. Just want everything to get started now, the wait is the worst thing. So tomorrow is my baby sisters birthday, who incidentally isn't actually a baby any more at all. She's turning 15. It is crazy. Something even crazier is that I am 20 in only a couple of weeks - so bizarre. I think I should really have a plan in place so I don't panic massively. I am hoping this year I will suddenly realise what I want to do with my life, although I have a feeling that I most probably won't. It will happen eventually, I hope. I will let you all know how I settle in to university as it happens. If it is you that is starting, I wish you the best of luck. University can be tricky, especially as everyone feels that it is going to be amazing as soon as you get there. In reality it requires some hard work to settle with a group of friends. And so, my lovely readers, I have returned to the UK after three months of living in America. It is fair to say that my time in the States has been everything that I could have possibly wished for, and I am coming out of it in the best place I have been for months. As I have written about the States far too much already in my blog, I shall do my best to keep this part brief. The honest truth is that I really did not want to leave, but now, as I am sitting at Kings Cross drinking coffee and scoffing a pain au chocolat, I just want to be home. I have been travelling for almost twenty-four hours and I am running on very little sleep. The somewhat sad truth is that I am truly excited to see my dogs! Obviously, I cannot wait to see my family as well but I am going to be having dog cuddles as soon as I walk through the door.
Another exciting truth is that I am, again, starting uni in a very few days. I am filled with the usual mix of apprehension and excitement, I am just hoping that it works out this time. In preparation for some of our lectures, I have been issued with a fairly substantial reading list, which I am proud to announce that I have started! I am making slow progress but at least the process has begun. I am receiving emails on the daily from my halls of residence, telling me my moving in slot, my fees etc. This is my main source of worry, I feel that as soon as I am actually there and moved in my mind will calm down somewhat. As I am overly tired the usual dose of over-thinking has begun, and I am trying to only focus this on the worry of university. That may sound weird, but if I don't focus it on that I will begin to over think things such as relationships and that never ends too well. I apologise for rambling in this post - I am trying to pass some time as I wait for my train home. As I am happily typing away I am, of course, people watching. These two activities combined is helping the time to pass quite quickly, less than an hour to go! I will try to write again some time soon. Hello again! It has been such a long time since I last wrote so I am feeling some pressure to make this post a good one. To be honest, I have been putting off writing as I am hurtling towards the end of my summer job, which means that it is almost time to go back to England. As much as I love England, my time over here feels as though it has flown by far to quickly. This summer has been amazing for me and it has helped me improve my condition massively. I honestly think it has something to do with the amazing attitudes of the people I work with, people are constantly joking and having a good time. I have been forced to make the effort in being able to approach and talk to people that I don't know, and now it is almost second nature. Obviously, it is very different to approaching someone and holding a conversation than greeting and chatting to guests. Having said this, I know for a fact that my confidence and self-belief has grown. I have learnt I can do things for myself, I can rely on myself to get passed that bad days. It is for this reason that I am certain that I am getting better.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. Some I feel need to be mentioned. The death of Robin Williams, a truly wonderful and funny man. I have read many articles stating that 'he could have been saved', but it is so easy to comment on that in retrospect. I cannot express my sadness for the loss of anyone suffering from depression by suicide, it is so saddening knowing that they felt as though there was no other way. Depression is a long-term illness and I myself have experienced how exhausting and isolating it is. I also want to say to whoever is reading this, talk to someone. If you feel as though it is all becoming too much for you to deal with, I beg you to talk to someone. Suicide is not the answer, life is worth living and you will get better. If you feel that you have no one to talk to e-mail me, talk to someone you lost contact with, just get some of those feelings out. There are so many options out there for you, help is always available. |